Often in my life, I am sad about intimacy and connection that I don’t have. It’s so much better to feel sad for a good reason.
This last weekend I visited my son and daughter-in-law and granddaughter in Louisville, KY for Thanksgiving. The visit was almost perfect. The vibe with my son was really great: he was so available and present, so warm and informal and gracious with me. My daughter-in-law was sweet and interested in my reports about my life. My six-month-old granddaughter was amazingly present and alive and happy. I was relaxed and had fun.
And when I came back I got sad. I wasn’t sad because of anything that had not happened – I was sad because it was so good…and because I had to say goodbye…and because I have so much history of saying goodbye to my son…and because it is going to be a while until I see them.
It’s been hard to sort out this abundant sad from depression, because it’s looking like depression and that may also be going on. I had been a little up for about ten days, through the visit, and the goodbyes may have broken the back of the up mood and swung me down. But I also have a history of coming down after visiting my son. So I do myself a disservice if I just call this depression. I have touched into some very sweet connection and I no longer can touch it (even though it is still there). And I feel sad.